MY side of the story. Part 3, the REAL McCoy.

MY side of the story. Part 3, the REAL McCoy.

I do apologize for the long wait. I didn't mean for that to happen; life got in the way.

What happened next is this; I met a boy at the beginning of my junior year in high school that would be my Achilles' Heel . His name was Kenny. (It feels odd saying his name; I rarely mention his name because it makes me shudder, much like the name Voldemort in the Harry Potter series for those HP fans out there. However, I have decided to be bold like Harry and not lend more fear to the name than it deserves, after all, "what's in a name?" Oh, yes, I just pulled Shakespeare. Cool points for me!) He sat in front of me and next to one of my good friends, Stacen, in Spanish class. We talked in class-- he, Stacen and I-- and got lots of "excessive talking" marks on our report cards that semester. We found out that Kenny was a transfer from a much smaller district in the area and didn't know anyone on campus and so I took it upon myself to be his friend until he could find a little click of his own. During this time, the oh so fun, testosterone filled get togethers at my house continued in full swing, including at least two boys if not three or four. Oh, I was so mean.

Like I mentioned last entry, that Christmas break was the turning point. Kenny is the one that first introduced me to "extreme sports", particularly mountain  biking.  Over Christmas break, Kenny was out biking and he road is bike off a cliff. No joke. He broke his collar bone in the fall and then walked back into civilization. Crazy kid. Anyway, he had to have surgery to fix it, obviously and was on some nasty pain meds that kept him asleep most of the day and delirious the rest. Because Kenny still didn't have any friends at school to be heard of, I called him everyday during his delusions to keep him company since he couldn't leave his house all Christmas break and into the next semester. After that we were inseparable.

We hung out pretty much everyday and people started to wonder. I blew it all off. Then people started to worry once they met and got to know Kenny. I got defensive and was driven by the accusatory people toward Kenny instead of listening to what they had to say and taking a look for myself. What was it exactly that people didn't seem too fond of in him? I'm still not sure I know what they saw, but I know what I see now looking back. He was very legalistic in his religious beliefs for one-- refused to watch tv for one, amongst other things-- and extremely manipulative. I believe that covers it. He also got me interested in other, not so harmful things, like those extreme sports, and being a concert junkie. For those additions to my interests, I am thankful.

What the legalism and manipulating meant for me was this: he twisted pretty words to convince me into many of his very legalistic religious beliefs-- if you'll remember, I had just taken a vow to not date, which is rather out there for today's society, so basically he took that idea and ran with it and my mind. In the end he had me convinced that all my friends were terrible influences on me and that I didn't need to hang out with them anymore at all. (I am going to apologize to those friends of mine that I ditched right here and now. Please keep reading and you will see that I was not in my right mind.) He also had me change my personality to match the ideal Christian woman, which was to be humble, silent and very conservatively dressed-- hence the baggy jeans, t-shirts, no make-up or hairstyle. This brings us to about September/ October of my senior year, fall 2005.

Now you're probably asking, how is that a smart young girl like me got into this mess. The thing is, that those pretty words made him look like a spiritual leader to me and just about every youth leader in the country beats it into their young female students' minds that the man they choose to wed must be a spiritual leader. Yes, at 17 I figured I had found the one for me. If you could have gotten my true future plans out of me in September, I would have told you I didn't know because I thought I'd probably be married in about two years to an Air Force guy-- Kenny had decided to join the AF-- and who knows where I would be. I knew I'd be in school, but where and what for I was entirely sure. I had changed completely for this guy and given up my dreams to follow him around in the Air Force. Ok, this is the part where I sound really pathetic and I admit it, I was a pathetic foolish girl. I'm still pathetic, but not nearly so foolish.

I realize this is getting long, but I have to get this out in one sitting or I might change my mind. Kudos to you if you've actually read this far, you are a true friend and really do care. Soapbox for a moment: I love all you, friends, dearly and I hope you know that. Back to the story...

In September some time, Greg comes over to one of the boy filled nights with another friend of mine, Daniel. (For clarification's sake-- because I have several friends by that name-- this one is the one that I have known since infancy.) We watched Josie and the Pussycats--worst movie EVER!-- and then Greg offered to drive us all over to Daniel's house to take him home. After Daniel was dropped off, Greg kidnapped me. (We really do still refer to this as "the kidnapping".) He drove me around town for about an hour telling me that he thought Kenny was bad news. I of course was freaking out because he wouldn't take me home and did not listen to a word he was saying. To this day I couldn't tell you what he said. He did finally take me home though. I was literally shaking from fright when I arrived home.

Then in mid to late November things began to change again. Kenny withdrew from me and became a completely different person. I don't know how else to explain it. What was occurring in his mind was that he wasn't so sure that we were meant to be together and he drug out the process of making a decision for at least two months. Some days he wanted nothing to do with me and others he gave me such hope that we'd be ok in the end. Those two months or so were an emotional roller coaster straight from Hell for me, because if you will recall I had alienated myself from every friend and family member I had.

In early or mid January he finally did break it off with me. I remember blogging at the time that I felt as if the Kenny I knew had died and I mourned as if he really had died. I still feel that way; the Kenny I knew no longer exists. Some cruel demon had taken my Kenny's place in the Kenny body. I know that's not true; the last Kenny I knew was just another shade of the total Kenny.I still struggle with that concept because the two were just that different.

There are several other things I still struggle with from this situation too. I am not as outgoing as I once was. Mostly because I'm still fighting the "good Christian woman" image seared into my brain and also I tend to miss opportunities to speak my mind because I often check myself to make sure that's what I really believe and not just something that was crammed into my head by Kenny or anyone else. I am also unsure of how to act in social situations on occasion because I lost quite a bit of my social skills during that long period of seeing no one on a regular basis but Kenny. I have gotten WAY better with that, but I'd like to improve more. I still have a tendency to wear t-shirts and jeans and go to class with no make-up and my hair all over the place. That's mostly because I value sleep more than fashion anymore. So now you know why it is I'm a little bit on the socially awkward side.

And so there we must leave me in my torturous memories for now: a self that I no longer recognized inside or out curled in the fetal position in a corner of my room, sobbing over a guy's "death" that I had thought I'd marry one day, wondering where it was I could turn and what I could do now with no human connections and no ambitions left in this world.