This is MY battle field.
05.18.07 (4:28 pm) [edit]On this hiatus I didn't really go anywhere. I used my daily walking time to commune with God instead of listening to my music. Five miles is a quite a ways and probably the largest block of time I've given to Jesus in a long time, sadly.
While I was on my walk what I got was that I've got to quit punishing myself and live life. I don't think I've realized what I have been doing to myself as of the past couple years. I think that once I was set free in society again by a certain controlling force I haven't yet allowed myself to re-enter society. The reason being that I feel I have made too big of a mistake by allowing the force to control me and as a result do not belong in society anymore. (I do not say more about "the force" for fear of the force itself. Yes, it still scares me; however, I am thankful to the force and God for setting me free before my own stupidity took the next step and harmed me further.) I understand that God forgave me of my oversight long long ago, but forgiving myself has been a more difficult road. I realize that not forgiving myself is basically throwing Jesus's sacrifice in His face saying that it's not good enough for me. Convincing one's heart of what the head knows has proven most difficult.
Now the importance of the "living life" part didn't really hit home until last night at a church service. If you will recall, I know I need to do this as evidenced by the poem entitled "I am ready." that I wrote around a month ago and shared here. We were talking in the service about how Christians tend to show God as a god of authority-- interested in keeping rules-- but that He's really a god of relationships--interested in communing with each of us. One of the characteristics of a faith based on relationships is that the enemy of such a faith is isolation and loneliness. That hit me hard because that's exactly what I'm doing to myself. I can't fully be a Christian witness 1) because I'm not putting myself out there to be and 2) because in this area of my life I am showing God as the god of authority. That got me fired up. God made my purpose in life to serve to people and I can't serve them without being an intricate part of society. I can't be a witness if I'm not out there either, so this game plan of lingering on the outer rim of society is NOT the plan God has for my life. Yikes... Time for a 180! I've got to quit sulking, and being selfish and put myself out there to be God's hands and feet! I've got to do this no matter what people do to me in the future because this is my battle field calling and I've been hiding behind a tree! Try as you might, Satan but I will not fall into this selfish trap again! HA!
:-D Gotta love hiatus... and Jesus.
posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 05.19.07 (12:03 pm)
Sounds like a good plan. Don't be too hard on yourself, and good luck putting your new mission into practice.
posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 05.20.07 (3:20 am)
Interesting. The personality that generally comes across from your writings is someone who is outgoing, that enjoys being with people. So this counter-personality that apparently has emerged is not the real you. So, good for you to get back on track. I think you are right- Christians are intended for fellowship. And that is why the Enemy works so very hard, unrelentingly, to keep us away- if not physically, then emotionally. Keep worshiping with others. Keep studying and praying. You are an encouraging person by your resolve. Way to go!
