wrong
01.31.05 (10:02 pm) [edit]wrong
i thought i had cried
every last tear i contain
for you.
i've proven myself
all wrong.
is it wrong
to pine for a fleeting apparition
of a man
which only a cruel husk remains?
reminding me everyday
of what was
but disappears iin an instant
on the mists of times gone by.
i long for a guy that doesn't exist anylonger, except like the poem said as a husk of the guy that once resided inside.
it is nice to put my c-rap into poetry again. poetry is my favorite writing style, not that i don't enjoy my essay/prose form found around here, but i think the real me comes out in poem form better.
air
01.27.05 (2:38 pm) [edit]Your Element Is Air |
 You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person. With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that! |
mirror, mirror of the wall... pt. 3
01.24.05 (9:20 pm) [edit]ok, ok, so that kid's comment shouldn't be bugging me, but it does and that doesn't change much. i'm still working on not allowing what others say of me to not bug me... especially when it comes to my appearance. i'm imperfect, and i know that, but God made me just right for whatever reason He has planned up. imperfect just isn't acceptable to society in appearance, and imperfection has been instilled in me as the devil in everything else, so naturally, i'm the BIGGEST perfectionist you will EVER meet. so like i said, i have a difficult time embrassing my short comings. people making rude comments- whether i know them well or not- does NOT help me at all, actually sends me into a tail spin, as you have witnessed first hand. anyway, somehow i've got to reverse what my entire life-rearing has been based upon, and accept something less that perfect...me.
God bless ya'll.
mirror, mirror on the wall... pt. 2
01.24.05 (1:49 pm) [edit]my findings from two weeks ago (found in the blog titled "mirror, mirror on the wall...") were approved whole heartedly today. i was taking a pass to some class during my office aide period today. i took the note to the teacher, and as i left the room, some guy called out, "hey, bye!" (he liked the look of me from the back, in other words, because he wished to catch my attention and see the rest of me)i turned to wave and was met by a wrinkled nose, and the exclamation, "(explitative), she's ugly!" so basically, the only thing he based his comment on was my face since like i said, he had no objection to me before he saw my face. needless to say, i feel all warm and fuzzy right now. i'm a girl, ok? any guy with a peanut sized brain knows enough to not make a negative comment about a girl's appearance, or face her wrath, or tears one. well, i reeeeeally wanted to smack that kid good. you do NOT call this girl ugly! but then i remembered that although it is his own fault for having less than a peanut for a brain, smacking him will do no good, but perhaps make him more stupid, and get me a referal to the principal, so i witheld. and since i didn't sink my claws into him good, i just internalized the comment instead so all i've had playing in my head for about the past hour is "she's ugly!" .... great. just great. i need a hug, right now. :cry:
breaking up: surviving the first 10 days
01.21.05 (5:18 pm) [edit]this made me laugh at myself, because the funny thing is, this is about how i work. lol.
this comes out of You Didn't Complete Me: when "the one" turns out to be "just someone" by joanna harris
breaking up: surviving the first 10 days
day 1: do not get out of bed. at all. it's best to not even open your eyes. do not call him.
day 2: open eyes and maybe get up to get some water to drink. other than that, stay in bed. call best friend and ask her to come over and hide all romantic comedies and sappy dramas and place all pictures of "the ex" in a box to be used later. do not call him.
day 3: turn on the tv and channel-surf while wondering about the meaning of life. shout at the happy couples in tv commercials and sitcoms. anytime a male character tells a female character something sweet or thoughtful, scream "LIAR!" as loud as you can. call best friend and ask her to make you a "breakup alert bracelet" that will flash a warning when anyone asks you about your former significant other. do not call him.
day 4: move your bed into the living room so you can watch the big tv and continue shouting. this also gives better access to the freezer that your best friend has wisely stocked with ice cream in easy-to-eat-in-one-sittin g pints. begin eating. do not keep count. do not call him.
day 5: shower. put pajamas back on. get back in bed with ice cream and remote control. invite best friend over to talk about what happened for approximately ten straight hours. eat ice cream throughout. do not call him.
day 6: go to the drugstore. do not listen to radio on the way to drugstore for fear of hearing "your song". buy more ice cream, kleenex, and lotion with aloe since using paper towels to blow nose has caused severe chaffing. while there, also buy the latest celebrity gossip magazines. go home and read magazines while considering the complexities of love. even the rich and beautiful get dumped. do not call him.
day 7: finally return the eighty-five voice mails from your mother. assure her that you are fine. attempt to sound light and breezy- cheery even. tell her that breaking up was the best thing for both of you, and you are happy about it. hang up and cry. eat more ice cream. do not call him.
day 8: craft day. find scissors and go through box of pictures. to try: cut out "the ex's" head in every picture and replace with pictures of brad pitt or orlando bloom. cut all pictures of him into tiny confetti pieces (best if done near New Year's). take all letters and cards from him and cut out words of sentiment and love. make refrigerator magnets out of these words and tell your friends, "these are lies that boys tell." do not call him
day 9: begin to reenter society. shower again and put on real clothes. meet two or three close girlfriends for dinner- preferably at a mexican restaurant to lessen chances of hearing "your song" played overhead. if a random acquaintances sees you and asks about "the ex", flash your breakup alert bracelet and shoo them away. do not call him.
day 10: go back to work[/school]. wear short sleeves so that your breakup alert bracelet is in plain view to any well-wishers who want to offer lame advice and hurtful clichés that mean nothing. do not call him.
ok, ok, maybe i'm not that bad, but i do withdraw from society, put away at least half a regular size box of tissues, scream at the happy couples and make faces at the ones making out in the park, eat tons of ice cream, deny my depression to everyone, and put all pictures away in boxes. that's the typical post break up me. now do you understand a lil better why i don't enjoy dating?! it just about kills me! anyway, hope that makes someone smile, if not at themselves, then at me. lol. go ahead, point and giggle at your screen, cause i'm doing the same; you look really dumb point and laughing at the computer.
darwin's crown fish
01.20.05 (2:40 pm) [edit]from charles darwin's the descent of man- 1871
"...man is descended from a hairy, tailed quadruped, probably aboreal in its habits, and an inhabitant of the Old World. This creature, if its whole structure had been examined by a naturalist, would have been classified amongst the Quadrumana, ['a division of primates'-webster's revised unabridged dictionary; 1996, 1998] as surely as the still more ancient progenitor of the Old and New World monkeys. The Quadrumana and all the higher mammals are probably derived from an ancient marsupial animal, and this through a long line of diversified froms, from some amphibian-like creature, and this again fish-like animals....But everyone who admits the principle of evolution, must see that mental powers of the higher animals, which are the same in kind with those of man, though so different in degree, are capable of advancement.... the conditions are favorable for their [animals'] development [advancement] through natural selection."
:idea: so you're tellin me that the offspring of my goldfish, bubbles, might one day rule the world?
HA!!!good one, darwin. i can see it now...*blub, blub*
mirror, mirror on the wall...
01.16.05 (9:13 pm) [edit]As some of you may know, I do not typically wear make-up, or make a huge effort to do anything fancy with my hair-normally just a morning brush out is about the extent of my hair grooming. This past week I thought I’d perform one experiment. For the first two days this week, I wore mascara. The second two I did the whole nine yards on skin tone smoothing out, then today I added rouge. Let me tell ya what I have found. Our society is filled with some of the shallowest creatures ever! (please note I only considered the reactions of strangers, not those I know best, and consequently that know me best, and have kept all other appearance factors the same-same jeans and a t-shirt, same plain hair) On the first two days with only mascara added, I did not get any more response to my physical appearance than I normally do- the stare-right-through-you look, since it is rather difficult for most to look over due to my height. 0:-) The third and fourth days I received probably 10 times as many glances of admiration as I normally do, and not just from males either. I received several comments from my fellow females. Just little things mostly… “I like your (blank)”. Whatever it was they commented on, it was just stuff I normally have/wear and I never get comments on that stuff, yet I did when I made myself up. Now today, with the mascara, even skin tone, and rouge… let me tell ya. I had whistles, catcalls, and even sex offers. (Now I remember why I stopped making myself up in the first place.) most of the incidents came from a single group of freshman playing wall ball as I approached school friday morning; they are the perverted, sex-offering, perpetrators. One did the whole grab, shake, and “you want some of this?” at me. Ugh. What barbarians. 1) any civilized human being does not ask a complete and total stranger for sex, especially not at 9 a.m., 2) I’m 18, if I really wanted some, I would not indulge myself in a 14 or 15 year old freshman, I could fetch way better and 3) I highly doubt a freshman would have any of “this” to desire. the rest of this one’s little friends just made retarded catcalls as I walked off; they weren’t even quality catcalls…stupid freshmen. What is this society coming to? Well, an end obviously if all we care about is what other people think of ourselves, beauty that is only skin deep, and sex. Here’s some song lyrics to chew on:
Mirror-BarlowGirl
Mirror, Mirror on the wall; Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I’m finding It’s not easy to be perfect
So sorry, you won’t define me
Sorry, you don’t own me
Chorus
Who are you to tell me
that I’m less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don’t need to listen
to the list of things I should do
I won’t try; I won’t try
You don’t define me; You don’t define me
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I’m looking into the eyes of He who made me
To Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me
Chorus
losing all; gaining everything
01.15.05 (12:40 am) [edit]i've lost alot this week... yet gained so much more. i lost a winter formal date, my courtship, and my beloved tennis racquet bag. winter formal is just around the corner, and i saw signs in kenny that he only agreed to go with me because he felt obligated to since we were courting, but i released him of that duty. he would not have had fun at formal if he didn't want to go; therefore causing myself to not have fun either. now i have found myself a willing participant-thanks daniel, and thanks to the others that volunteered as well- i have given myself the chance to make my senior formal a blast! losing that courtship was by far the most emotionally rocking this week. i thought kenny was being a jerk by prolonging his pronouncement of the end of our courtship-i'm an optimistic person; i've broken up with a grand total of one guy- when he actually was carefully weighting the pros and cons, while keeping my best interest at heart. it's hard to explain without disclosing personal information which i am not at liberity to share, but trust me, he's saving me from worse hurt in the future if we were to continue as we are. so chivalrous *sigh* too bad that's made me love him more. darn it. so i came out of that with alot learned- whomever i marry MUST be a super strong Christian guy that i can follow spiritually- and a new found admiration for my best friend. then my beloved racquet bag. *sniffle* my bag has been deemed unrepairable, and so has been doomed to never serve as my partner in crime again. my bag has served me well, and will probably be memorialized like my first racquet- the ceremony of retirement, and the place of honor in the household. but out of the ashes shall rise a new racquet bag for myself- the first in like 6 years or so which is a truely long life for a racquet bag. that is one thing my parents have taught me- to always take care of your things. so i get a new bag, yippie!
now, i know you're wondering, "how's she gonna tie this stuff into that Jesus dude." i won't hold the suspense any longer. that's what happens when we become a Christian. we have our life, and hey, it works, not perfectly by far, but it suits just fine...most of the time. then you go and give it all up for the unknown... you've heard it's great from this source and that. like the old saying goes, "falling's half the fun"; the landings soft, and you know what... it's paradise. take the leap! God bless ya.
friend theft
01.07.05 (12:40 pm) [edit]*cries* i've been a mess the past week more so than normal. satan's trying to steal my best friend! not cool. kenny's having a real hard time right now spiritually, and it's draining trying to help one that doesn't/refuses to realize that he needs help, or to talk about the situation. i've broken down into tears on numerous occasions just at the magnitude of the problem (i will not give details as to a friend's confidentiality) and the number! i can't hardly even talk to him anymore without bursting into tears. and i'm supposed to be the strong, counselor here! of course he-being not only male, but also the purpetraitor- cannot understand, so that just makes me cry worse, so before the whole ordeal is over i have red, puffy eyes, and the sniffles really bad and kenny's just sitting there dumb founded looking at me like, "how pathetic". so anyway, just keep kenny in your prayers.
i know this topic isn't very universal, and i doubt many of you truly care since few know kenny personally, but seriously, a brother in need, that calls for rounding up the ranks and starting a praying chain. thanks for joining with me, and if you haven't, please consider my plea... PLEASE?! love you all in Christ.
